According to the description for this subReddit, "We've all had times where we've wanted to spill the beans to someone, be they bad or good, but never did or can't for whatever reasons. Post a letter here, whether it's a Thank You note or something not so happy.
Letter to an ex? Mad at the parents? Roommates getting to you? Thankful but can't express it?
This is the place to say what needs to be said."
Here are a few that tugged the hardest at our heartstrings.
Your death was not hard on me. It was a weekend. I was far away from where you were. I don't remember if I made up an excuse to not come for the funeral or just plain stated that I'm not coming. I had no plans to see you dead. There was a bit of guilt about not being there for your family but you know how selfish I am. I drowned myself in alcohol that weekend. Monday I was back at work telling people how you were dead all of a sudden. By then I thought I was over it.
I tried to make myself believe that you didn't mean that much to me. After all, we saw each other just once or twice a year. I didn't even remember what we were talking about the last time we met. It was your brother's wedding. I just remember holding your hand. There's a photo of you on my phone taken on that day. It's an awkward picture clicked while you were busy doing something. I don't remember why I took that picture. It feels weird that that is the last picture I took of you.
Your death was really not hard on me then but it's been two years and with time I feel worse and worse when I think about you. I still subconsciously look around for you when I see your family. I don't like it when people talk about you. I don't know how your name pops up every time there's a family gathering. It makes me uncomfortable even when they are talking about some of my favourite memories. Will it ever get better?
I wish I had told you that you were my favourite person and that I loved you even more than my sister. I wished I had thanked you for not treating me like a weird little kid even when I was one and putting up with me even after I grew up into a weird adult.
I have had a few drinks tonight. Here I sit in my apartment alone, thousands of miles away from home, thinking about you. And I realize now it has been a long time since we said our last words to each other. Months have gone by. But I still think about you every day. And I don't think there will ever come a day that I don't think about you and the way that you once made me feel.
You hurt me, and I cried enough tears to fill pools. I replay the scene in the car in my head from time to time. And it fills me with a deep regret and an indescribable pain. But all I can hope is that you are happy now. From the bottom of my heart, with no malice intention. And I think that this is okay.
I think I have moved on. But I love you now and I love you forever. That will never change.
Not sure if you guys realize why I'm so chaotic and random. Why I throw myself through every thought in my head with such abandon. Yeah I'm crazy a bit clinically and a lot figuratively, but I have to be. The more I slow down the more thought I give to everything the more I can feel myself thinking. I can feel my thoughts and feelings of unworthiness, of scum, my feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness rise. So I can't stop running through my head. I can't afford to be depressed again like I was. I can't afford to lose out on more social experience due to my own ineptitude with depression and normal people. So I have to go through the morbid thoughts too. And I'm not sorry if I offend you. I'm not sorry if I seem sarcastic and cynical. Hyper and almost maniacal about pursuing bizarre trains of thought. I have to. I feel like if I don't and I know from experience if I don't just keep running around even if it's in circles. I will sink. I will drown.
The time has passed so oddly since we were together. It feels like yesterday to me, but dates don't lie. It's been almost 4 years since we were "dating", and a year since we last spoke.
My mind is constantly drawn to you. You're etched into my soul. I often find myself waking up at night, drenched in sweat and in tears. The dreams (nightmares?) of you haven't ceased. I miss you so much. I miss my best friend. My other half.
I hate what you did. I hate it so much. The very things you claimed to find terrible, are what you did to me. You boldfaced lied. You used me. Worst of all, you threw me away for her when you were done.
I can't even think straight. I have so much to say to you but I can't even begin to organize these thoughts. These feelings. I keep sputtering out bits and pieces of how everything happened. I've been in a fog ever since, a ghost in my own life.
You seem to be doing well, and happy. I'll save you the bother of thinking about me - you'll never see these "letters." Don't worry, I'll take my pills and be the numb fool. I won't impose on your new life.
It happened. It ended. And I don't think either of us are happy with it. This is what I was afraid of, and why I didn't want to do this. I hope you believe me when I say I wish I didn't have these feelings, and that I wish I could make them go away. I can't imagine the frustration that must have caused you. I know you don't understand, and I wish you could see why I couldn't make them leave. I never cared that we had nothing in common, or that you don't see relationships the way I do. I only knew what I felt about you, and that it was a part of me. It was your kindness, your selfless care for other people. All the flaws, and fears, and frustrations you had made you so human to me. I loved that we were able to be open with each other about these things. The kindness and warmth you gave me over the years meant so much.
I've considered the possibilities. Was I obsessed? Did I love the idea of being with you, more than I actually loved you? I hope I never put you on a pedestal. We had plenty of disagreements, and differing views. These discussions were some of my favorite in hindsight. You could break me apart and comfort me like no other person I've ever known. I've reflected on this so much, and I hope what I felt was real. I feel pathetic. I know we never dated. I know you'd never want to and I don't hold that against you. I would always want to be your friend, and I will still always be there for you.
Of course right now I feel some anger, resentment, and hurt. They'll pass. I think it is sad that these past 4 years amounted to a series of painful text messages. I feel as though both of us deserved more than that. Maybe you are right that us not speaking will be beneficial to me. Part of me agrees. Part of me is grateful for this. I'd planned on talking to you about it before you beat me to the punch. I wish I had, because I would have tried to do this differently. But hindsight is 20/20.
I will miss you as my friend. I will always care for you in some way. And I hate myself, because it is my fault that we will both just become a sad story in each other's past. I am so sorry.
First and foremost.
I love you and I have loved you. I tried and have tried harder than I think you will understand, right now or possibly ever.
You told me a story that would hurt the f*ck out of me. That would make me question who I am as a person. You consciously did this. I don't know why. I don't care. But it happened. This is not the first time.
It is scary.
You and I created what could have been a life. And you made up a lie about me and then tried to feed it to me like I wouldn't notice.
Literally about what we created.
Literally about what keeps me up at night, what I am still physically bleeding for, what has made me question who I am on this planet and why I deserve to sit here right now.
You created a lie about it. And you used it to hurt me. You did that.
It was not your womb that shed its existence. It is not your body that still sheds its existence.
But it was your mouth and your heart and your mind that created a lie used to hurt me...the body that is still shedding its existence.
I cannot fathom being in a place like that. Your place. Although I experienced it today, I felt it, I was on the receiving end of it.
It was scary.
I refuse to wonder. I refuse to attempt to analyze why. I refuse to justify your actions. Any longer.
I will only choose to accept that you are broken and I cannot, will not fix you.
And I will remove myself from caring. Because this is your sh*t, not mine.
I will mourn the loss of the life that grew inside me without you.
I will mourn the loss of hope I had for us.
You will never again be allowed to blame me, fictitiously or otherwise, for your own misery.
I can't believe you've been gone for almost nine years; you'd be twenty five now. Your absence left a hole in my life that won't ever heal. When we were kids I was so presumptuous; I thought we'd be friends forever, growing together. Nobody I've met cares about people like you did. You weren't just there for me, you were there for anybody who needed somebody.
There aren't words to express how much your friendship meant to me. I can only aspire to be as kind and gentle as you were.
I miss you.
You told me that I'm just your roommate. Someone you live with and nothing more. The only reason you stay with me is because of promises you made long ago. You honor those promises. I ask if you want to find that place where we are husband and wife and you say no. I ask if you ever will and you say no. I just need hope. Hope that I'm not just your roommate. I want to be worth something to you. I'm not satisfied just being your roommate. We have 20 years and four children together. I need more or I need to move on.
It has been a while since we have stopped seeing each other but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. We parted ways because I knew the age difference was putting a lot of stress on you with your family. I know they would have disowned you if you would have stayed with me, so I ended the most meaningful relationship I have ever had so I wouldn't be the cause of any pain. You were my world, and I know I was yours. I miss you so much, everything about you. The way your face would light up when I came in the room, the way I could make you laugh until you cried, the simple things were the most important thing to me. I miss the good morning texts and the how's your day going texts. I miss the way your hand fit in mine and the way you would lay your head on my chest. I just miss my best friend. If I believed in soul mates you were definitely mine. You completed me and I have just felt hollow and broken since we split. I have never loved anyone like I loved you and truth is I don't know if I ever want to love like that again. I hope that you find someone that makes you as happy as you deserve to be even if it can't be me. There is so much more I want to say but I will never send you this letter anyway so I guess it doesn't matter. I'm just still trying to figure my life out without you in it. I love you baby, and I guess I always will.
Sure, you're "just celebrating", and you say you're having fun and I'm sure you can convince your new "supportive" friends of it, but you can't fool me.
You're blowing off plans and passing out on couches, getting drunk all the time and blowing off the education of your f*cking dreams. And this weekend... Holy sh*t. Maybe you actually think it's funny to end up in the hospital again, as you're pretending. But I know you, and I don't think you do. I think you're absolutely miserable, and all the pain and anxiety is starting to get through your carefully cured facade of callousness and laughs. I can see your desperation, and I think every drink you take is so you won't have to face it yourself.
Maybe you're not aware of it, maybe you are in denial, but I don't think you're that unaware. And most of all - I'm not.
You are crashing hard and fast. Again. Don't forget that I was there the last time. I know this version of you, I fear it, I hoped it never would come back. But it's still you, and so I love it as I do you.
You know you became an actual legend back home right? The way you turned your life around is probably one in a million, and it just added to my already huge admiration of you. You haven't lost the things you worked for yet, but if you go on like this, you will.
Stop. Before you're too far gone. I will help if you need it, but you need to face it first. You need to admit it, and you need to f*cking want to deal with it. Please just open your eyes. I know you can turn this around, you've done it before. You're the strongest person I know, you're brave and wise and always in control, and I know that's why it's so hard for you to admit it. It's hard for you to admit when you need help. When you feel weak, when you take a wrong turn, when you lose the control you cherish so much. But it's okay to fail, and it's okay to mess up. It's okay to need help. And I will be here, to help you, to be your strength while you find yours. The only thing you have to do is have the courage to admit you need it.
I'm sorry if I seem angry with you. I am, a little, but I'm mostly just scared. We came so close to losing you last time, and that old anxiety is now joined by the new one. I don't want to lose you.
Please just stop.
I was hoping I'd be over this by now but I just can't shake my thoughts of you. Every day I seem to discover a little reminder of you - whether it be someone mentioning the place you moved to, or me stumbling upon notes we left each other (it makes me smile how you couldn't bring yourself to put them in the bin).
I could have handled things better. You tried to reach out to me after you left, but my walls were up, as hard as concrete. Did my behaviour hurt you too much? Is that why you can't text me a simple "hello", despite me telling you not to be a stranger?
I miss our easy friendship, and what came after (as messy as it ended up being). I miss your little quiet gestures of affection; the myriad of coffees and the way you used to tuck my hair behind my ears. I miss the outlandish comments you used to make, just to provoke a reaction. I keep thinking of that day you came running upstairs just to say good morning properly---you've probably forgotten by now, but that hug and kiss will stay with me forever.
I just hope you're doing ok.
I was really surprised when you said yes to coming over. It was weird, but nice, but hard, but so good. After three months of not talking to me, it was so easy to fall back into the familiar, but I'm not sure what's ok and what isn't anymore.
I just have to tell you that you are who I want to be with. I choose you. I think you are amazing, and smart, and strong, and funny, and so goddamn attractive. I really look up to you. I admire you. I love how much you love reading. And your nerdiness is just so adorable.
But I can't read you. I don't know if you are just putting up with me, we are friends, or maybe we can try again to be more than friends. I wish you would give me a sign. Because I want you, and no one else.
maybe ill be a pretty footnote in yr memories, of your wild youth. you silly boy. you have no idea how much i loved you.
my life was something else before u showed up. and it will never be the same. i dont know if human memories and wishes can alter the fabric of the universe (you would probably correct me and laugh), but something, my reality, has changed. i know that much.
and you probably dont give a f*ck. i mean i could hate you, but even when i wanna kick yr ass yr still the most interesting, unpredictable, luminous person on the planet. and im powerless against such.
i love you. i always will. you idiot. because i can.
Mommy, I love you. I'm sorry that I said such hurtful things, but the thruth is, we both needed that. You needed to hear that.
You're a great mother, you aways were. You gave me everything I needed and more. I was a really priviledged child, and maybe It has made me entitled over the years, but I know you did your best. But mother, your best was not enough to prevent me from becoming this damaged teenager I am today.
Mother, you watched my father as he hit me. To correct my behaviour, he would say. To make me a better human being, you would parrot. But mother, it hasn't. It only made me resent you and him, and I aways will. I'm not able to forgive you mother. You let him hit me. You let him physically punish me. He was a man, a big man. I was a skinny, small child. And you let him hit me.
Mother, you would let him verbally abuse me. He had no patience with me, for nothing at all. Even the thing he wanted to teach me, if I didn't learn fast enough, he would yell. I would give up on things that I really wanted, that would make me bond with my father, because I was too scared of him. I wanted to play the guitar, like him. I gave up after the first look of anger linger on his face. I was scared.
He would aways mistake fear for respect. I dont fear anymore, mother. If he touch me now, he's going to jail. Or I will, because I'll kill him. I would make you a widdow, mother. I would orphan my sister and myself, but I won't get abused by him again. I'm a proud woman, mother. I'll kill him before he kills me.
My sweet sister, mom. Bianca, mommy. What have him done to her? She hates him. She aways hated him. Mommy, why didn't you stop him? She was yet younger than me, and he would hit her with the same might he would a man. Mother, why didn't you stop him?
When she slit her wrists the first time, he cried. He asked me where did he go wrong whit us. You hugged him, and looked me in the eye. You told me it was my falt my sister tried to kill herself. With all the words, you told me. I was 13, mother. I cried in the school bathroom that morning, mommy.
Mommy, I will never forgive you. But I love you mother. I wish you saw that, and I wish you saw why I'm aways inpatient and angry. Why I will scream and shout, and be dissobidient, and question your authority. Mother, I love you, but I don't trust you to make the best decisions for me. Even if you had in the past, because some of your decisions destroyed me. Ruined me.
Mother, I love you, but I don't forgive you. Never will.
But I can't hold you up anymore. Especially when you do nothing to support me. In fact you tear me down. You said you were in trouble, and if you really fall somewhere bad, I think you know I'll be there in a heartbeat. But you've hurt me for the last time. Well, I'm probably lying there, because when it comes to you I'm horribly weak. But at least for now I mean it. For today I'm done. I know I can't shake you forever. And I still think we'll probably end up together someday. I think you know it too. I never believed in the "meant for each other" thing, but if it exists then sorry, pal, we're it. And what kills me is you know it. I know you. Maybe not the nitty gritty sh*t that's made you so hard and cold 75% of the time, but I know you. I knew that you'd never clean your closet, I knew that you needed that car ride to calm you down, I knew that that song made you think of me even before you said it. And I know that you love me too. It's pretty obvious in that 25% and I wish you'd stop fighting it and treating me the way you do, because you're losing me, I'm running, before I end up like you, just as hard and cold. I don't want to be like that. I'm tough as nails, but I'm fragile when it comes to loving people and you've found my softest spot. It's like how I hate being poked in the side, and you keep spearing me to the flank like I'm up on the cross. So f*cking stop it, all right. We both know this is bullsh(t. You're never going to find this again. If you do, I'm happy for you, because that's real f*cking luck, pal. A pretty girl, who's smart, funny, knows all your bullsh*t and loves you unconfu*kingditionally, and would put up with all of it if you'd just stop being such an inconsiderate moron for a second.
I'm in a constant state of missing you. I spend my days waiting for you to go online, to read my texts and talk to me. In one of our last conversations, it became clear that it would be really hard for me to visit you, to see you again. But there's always this hope that, somehow, we'll work around that. That I'll go over there and we'll get yet another amazing summer.
This hope...it destroys you, doesn't it? We are always expecting something, constantly. I think it's just human condition. After all, if we thought everything was lost, why would we keep fighting?
Now I'm watching this girl on Youtube. She has a great voice, like an angel, and sings some of my favorite songs. But that's not the reason I'm watching, no. I'm watching because she looks like you.
And that's all I get to feed my hope until we speak again.
On this day one year ago, I found something I thought I'd never find. I found my unicorn. I found my happiness. I found the person that I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I found you.
On this day one year ago, I shared a booth in an Olive Garden with someone whose personality meshed so well with mine that we talked right through dinner. We both took all of our food home without taking a single bite out of it. Afterwards we went bowling where I "won" a best of three and earned a kiss from you. You vehemently insisted that faulting in the third game was a total accident on your part but I don't believe you. I think you were feeling the same things I was and that you wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss you. One year ago today, I stood in the parking lot of an Olive Garden for over three hours, well after all the employees inside had went home, talking to someone that I'd fallen in love with after one date. Even though I didn't muster up the courage to take the prize I'd won, I did manage to give you a kiss on your cheek. You giggled like a little school girl and I'll never forget that sound as long as I live. Getting in my car that night, I wished that my night with you could have lasted just a little bit longer. I went home with the biggest smile on my face, feeling like I'd won the lottery. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was, and still is, the greatest day of my life.
Instead of looking forward to getting dressed up and taking you out to dinner and just spending the evening together, I'm wondering if this bottle of alcohol will make me forget you. If it can, maybe I'll be able to close my eyes without seeing your beautiful smile. Maybe I can wake up without wanting to send you a good morning text so you can start your day with something positive. Maybe I'll be able to fall asleep without wondering if your insomnia is going to keep you up tonight. Maybe I'll forget the sound of your giggle. Maybe I'll catch the scent of something that reminds me of your perfume and I won't immediately think about all the times we shared your bed. Maybe I'll be able to forget the feeling of finding my unicorn, falling so deeply in love with her, and then having her taken away from me. Maybe I'll forget what it's like to have your heart shattered into a billion microscopic pieces by the one and only person you've ever entrusted its care with.
I'm wondering where it all went wrong. Everything was so perfect in the beginning. I could not have asked for a better person to be in a relationship with. We always said it was like we'd already been together for years. Having a relationship with you was so easy, natural, and effortless. We shared so many common interests and were in sync on so many other things. There was never an awkward silence between us and we never fought, argued, or belittled each other.
All my friends and family tell me that you've treated me like sh*t lately and that I should be so incredibly thankful that we're done. They say that you've been emotionally and mentally abusive to me and keeping me around by making me think that some day you'll come back to me. When we first broke up, we barely even made it four days before you were blowing my phone up trying to see how I was doing. I didn't want to talk to you but I gave in because you're my kryptonite. We tried to stay friends and you repeatedly insisted that that's all we were. You continued to insist that we weren't dating, even right in the middle of us having sex.
On one hand, I hate you so much. I hate you for tearing my heart out and barely putting any effort into the relationship. I hate you for giving up on me. I hate you for giving up on yourself. I hate you for telling me to walk away. I hate you for turning around, right after telling me to walk away, and saying that you don't want to lose me in your life. I hate you for loving me so perfectly. I hate you for being one of the people my dog loves the most because I know he'll never see you again. I hate you for telling me that I make you not want to be alone. I hate you for being my unicorn.
On the other hand, I love you with all of my heart and every fiber of my being. I love you because you make me feel superhuman. I love you because you don't judge me and you accept me for who I am. I love you because you're capable of turning all the terrible things you've experienced in your life into amazing things instead of letting them break you down. I love you because you love me.
I've tried to go out on dates since we broke up, and I've even tried to do the casual thing, but it never goes past the first date. I feel like I'm cheating on you. When they don't laugh at my stupid, sarcastic jokes, I hear that melodious giggle of yours. When we walk somewhere together, I can almost feel your hand in mine. When I smell their perfume, it's your perfume that ends up being the scent that fills my nostrils. When it comes time to leave them for the night, I never feel that same burning desire for the night to go on like I did at the end of our first date.
I hope that where ever you are, when you see the date today that you stop at least for a little bit and think about me. I hope you'll think about our first date and that maybe you'll feel all those feelings that we both admitted to feeling that night. Naively, I hope that when you do think about, and feel, those things that maybe it will reignite that fire within you that pushes you to finally start treating me like a priority instead of an option. If that fire is ever reignited, whenever that is, I hope you'll call me. I'll be waiting for you. I'll try not to sound too desperate on the phone.
...and I still dream about you. I pray, every night, that you come back to me. I don't understand why you left. I don't understand why you told me you loved me, then broke my heart on Facebook messenger.
You couldn't even look at me when you ruined me.
I will wait.
I'm going to be 26 tomorrow, and for me, it's kind of daunting. I've never felt so weird about turning a year older, and I don't know why.
Anyway, there's one thing I really, really want for my birthday. I know you're not supposed to tell your wish after you blow out your candles, but I never have it come true anyway. All I truly want is to be able to spend more time with you. That's it. I just want a little bit more of your time and to get to know you better.
Is it too much to ask?
We are "together" and I feel more lonely than ever before. You're supposed to be there when I need you and want to spend time with me. I don't understand what you want. Why are we together? Why can't I just leave you? Why am I constantly thinking of my ex? When I think of you my stomach hurts and I feel physical pain. I'm drowning in loneliness and you are nowhere to be seen.
Of course you do. It's not like it was decades ago that we spoke or embraced one another. Rather, I'd like to ask how you remember me. Do you ever catch yourself smiling like an idiot when you think of me? Do you giggle when you think of some silly moment between us? Sure as hell happens to me all the time. Maybe you remember me in a negative way, and are trying to forget me? I've tried and tried to forget the happy thoughts I associate with you because they've done nothing but hurt me. It hasn't worked for me, but maybe you succeeded. The silence from you sure makes it look that way. I wish I could hear from you. I'm afraid to be the one to reach out.
Despite what I said, I do wish we could be friends. You said you were disappointed that we couldn't and so am I. I feel like you belong in my life, no matter the arrangement, but I can't be your friend because I'm in love with you and I will always feel that way about you. I started falling in love with you the moment you walked through the door at our first date. I kick myself for pushing it all down; I really don't form connections with people as fast as I felt connected to you and it was truly terrifying. Maybe I didn't show you the real me because of it and maybe that's how I screwed everything up. Maybe I'll never know. I do know that by the end of our last date, my heart wanted to love you deeply and forever (my head wanted the same).
It's been four weeks since I last heard from you. I've missed you every minute of it. I miss your inquisitive gaze; I miss your smile and our amazing conversations; I miss telling you "sweet dreams" before you head off to bed. I still jump when my phone goes off - "maybe that's her and she's finally decided to give me the second chance I pleaded for?" It's never you. I know it'll never be you. I wish I could move on, but I keep hoping that you'll come around. If you ever change your mind, know that there's a permanent spot in my heart for you, but we can never be "just friends."